How well do cereal and tequila go together?
We’re about to find out.
Category Archives: For Kicks
“…a considerable amount of bullshit”
..so says Frank Wheeler to his wife, April, on page 33 of the novel Revolutionary Road.
I’m not using it in the same context, but it did strike me as hilarious when I read it, and I’ve been looking to use it as much as possible ever since, and so it has become the title of this blog; which will contain it’s own considerable amount of bullshit.
Let’s start in AC last Thursday night: I decide to get out of my sister’s car at a stop light to give the remnants of our dinner to a homeless woman. Let me just say: her make-up was impeccable…the homeless woman’s.
She looked every bit the bag lady from far away…lots of..bags..picking crap up off the ground as she hobbled along. Why wouldn’t she want some left over calamari? She was very grateful, and her lipstick was a great shade of red.
Meanwhile, my sister is laying on the horn for me at the corner. Upon hearing this horn, the local hooker begins sprinting toward the car, yelling over her shoulder to her friend that she will catch up with her later, because she “has to get this”. The hooker and I lock eyes in confusion as we realize we are both trying to make our way to the same car. She says to me very sweetly: Oh honey, is that for you? (pointing to my sister). Then I say: Yes. but that’s my sister…not…. At this point she gets what’s going on, and making her apologies, struts away fabulously in some pretty killer boots.
Oh. And lest I forget the best part of this entire exchange: she was really a he. (if only i had half his sense of style) Since all of this is going on outside of the car, Ally is oblivious that she was seconds away from being propositioned. I give a horrible explanation of what almost took place once I get back in the car, because I’m working off of one Klonopin, a pain killer for a migraine, some brunello and hysterical tear-laden laughter. And I realize in my silly stupor, that one can feel themselves dying slowly from the inside out of they go too many days without laughing as hard as I was.
The next morning, we’re dining on some room service before our massages:
Me: how are your eggs?
Allyson: cold.
Me: you’re so cynical.
We had “plans” to hit the gym and the pool after the massages and the steam room. Of course, we opted for naps all day long and marathon episodes of The Dog Whisper, during which at some point Ally becomes convinced that I, myself, could have made an excellent dog trainer. And I agree.
And then some wind energy.
Yay for cable on Sunday nights! Lesbians and Mormons. My favorite combo.
I’ll close with a little something from my current reading:
“It simply wasn’t worth feeling bad about. Intelligent, thinking people could take things like this in their stride, just as they took the larger absurdities of deadly dull jobs in the city and deadly dull homes in the suburbs. Economic circumstances might force you to live in this environment, but the important thing was to keep from being contaminated. The important thing, always, was to remember who you were.”
Forward
It’s Monday night and I have nothing else to do except take some great Swiss drugs for my migraine right after I finish this blog. So here goes: (this originated from my sister’s blog btw)
Ten things you wish you could say….no names
1. I’m going to be 31 and am still waiting for that apology you owe me.
2. You’ll never know how lonely it was without you, how long I waited for you, and how much it hurts being so far away from you.
3. I’m glad you finally got an idea that something was up after four years of me waiting around for the light bulb to go off. I fell in love in slow motion just like the movies. I think there were even fireworks.
4. I can’t believe how stupid I was, even though a teenager. It still haunts me, just as you do.
5. No offense, I think you were always gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I just wish you would come out of the closet, already.
6. I’m sorry, in advance, for anyway that I may be effing you up right now.
7. I’ve asked around, and apologizing via email or voicemail does not count.
8. How can I possibly show my gratitude and love for you and your family over so many years….. and stupid boyfriends, 3 kids, one divorce, and too many garage parties to count?
9. You always were (and still are) the light at the end of my tunnel.
10. I hope someday, before it’s too late, you will understand me.
Nine Things About Me
1. I’m lazy most of the time
2. That’s b/c I love to work under the gun
3. I’m in love with Walt Whitman (like you didn’t already know)
4. I wish I wrote just about every Bob Dylan song, myself
5. I’ve had clinical depression and post partum depression and I’m still here
6. I take drugs for both of these, and I’m ok with that (up yours Tom Cruise)
7. I cannot stand Oprah Winfrey and her stupid book club. I wouldn’t be caught dead on that list.
8. I’ve been writing since the third grade and still have my first notebook of short stories from 1985
9. I’m going to be famous after I’m dead.
Eight Ways to Win My Heart
1. Be funny..mostly about yourself
2. Have some manners, for god’s sake
3. Love Walt Whitman and Bob Dylan (or else don’t even bother)
4. Don’t talk to me about Conrad’s Heart of Darkness
5. Send Oprah some hate mail
7. Bring me Chinese without me having to ask for it
8. Let me sleep in
Seven Things That Cross My Mind Alot
1. Dick Cheney is the devil
2. Am I cutting it as a mom?
3. Am I cutting it as a wife?
4. Why does Cate hate me already?
5. AP
6. These circles under my eyes aren’t going anywhere
7. When can I go back to school?
Six Things I’m Afraid Of
1. The GRE
2. cockroaches (like you would not believe…hyperventilation will take place)
3. Losing one of my kids at the mall or something
4. “growing up undone”
5. another republican president
6. Dick Cheney
One Confession:
ok ok, I’m really in love with Oprah. I’m just so jealous!
longstreet.anne@gmail.com
man, do i give diana ross a run for her money,with a straightening iron in my hand and "someday we'll be together" playing on the ipod.
