Don’t Believe the Hype II: Resolutions

Resolutions for the New Year are a waste of one’s valuable time…even the time it takes to come up with one. I’ve probably wasted hours of my life trying to figure out what my New Year’s Resolution should be every year and it always comes down to the same cop -out: be healthier in some way.

If I got any healthier I would disappear. If anything, my resolution should be to eat like shit and lay around as much as possible so as to gain some much needed extra weight.

Resolutions set people up for failure. Folks think that since this one special day only comes around once a year, that the promises they make to themselves will stick. I can’t believe that we’re still this gullible.

That would make the perfect resolution: This year I promise not to be so naive about everything…I promise not to believe the hype..if you will.

I won’t buy the newest contraption out there that promises to help me lose those extra five or thirty five (let’s be real for just a minute) pounds. Instead, I’ll bundle myself up, get out of the goddamn house, and use the arms and legs that I was born with to get into some kind of shape. 

 To continue: This year I won’t promise myself on January 1 that I will become a better version of myself in the coming year. I won’t wish to be more patient, more loving, more tolerant, more….perfect. Instead, I will take it one day at a time and do the best I can. And when I fail (because you and I both will) I will not abandon all my efforts up until that point and say “to hell with this”. Instead, I will just try again some more and maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll be a better me in about ten years or so instead of the unrealistic goal of polishing myself up within just one. And I won’t buy any self help books to help me out with this…(still sticking it to Oprah). I’ll use my own grey matter. But first, I will probably have to turn off the tv and stop playing with the wii for a bit.

Don’t be conned by “the man” into thinking you need something else besides yourself to become a better self within the next 365 days. (mom) There is no book out there, no class, no advice, that is going to work it’s magic for you in this new year.

 Stop yourself for just a minute and think: put down the ice cream…see, no nutritional advice from jenny or Weight Watchers needed. Call the Dr. and make that appointment instead of being lazy and Webmding yourself and never getting to the root of the problem.

This year, think for yourself everyday, do for yourself everyday, and don’t make any silly promises for just a day that you know you won’t be able to keep.

We’ll meet up in ten years for an evaluation. Good Luck.

Don’t Believe the Hype I: Oh, Oprah

How do I loathe, thee…let me count the ways.

I have to begin with the Book Club. Tsk Tsk.

I remember when her book club  made it’s debut. During the first few years, the books were merely sticker-ed with that oval Oprah emblem…the stickers could easily be torn off and then one wouldn’t feel like they were actually reading an Oprah book…contributing to the big O machine. It was all a huge case of denial on my part. But it worked.

Now the damn books are emblazoned with that demonic emblem straight from the press. So, naturally, I’m forced to scribble over it until the cover of my newly purchased book looks like a college bookstore hand me down. I’m fine with this. What I’m not fine with is Oprah Oprahfying all the shit I want to read. It was a great book before she got her sticky little fingers on it…it’s not like it never existed before she stamped her name on the cover.

I hate that decent authors are basically coerced into this cult. I mean…Faulkner,and Marquez for chrissakes. Of course, Faulkner is dead. But his people are obviously making horrendous decisions where his life’s art is concerned…selling out all over the place.

And what about the author who just wants to put out there the best thing that he or she was ever able to accomplish and doesn’t want it to become part of the pop culture machine? And then the phone rings and it’s Oprah. Well, maybe not Oprah…just one of her minions. Does the author turn down her offer? If  they do, their career is pretty much over if not considerably detoured. Not to mention that Oprah would definitely make it publicly known that so and so thinks they are too good for her club.

What is one to do in this situation? Give the big O the big Up Yours.

Numerous things are going on here that are disturbing to me about this stupid book club. It boils down to authors jumping on the Oprah band wagon all the way to the bank, getting on her show just so they can go on and on about themselves, and that goddamn Book Club emblem that’s on every book I want to read!

Jesus Christ, where’s Mark twain when you need him?