The Hype: Bro Installment IV – Music

Dear Bros:

You have hijacked two great bands that I know of thus far:

Kings of Leon and DMB

The rest of the world would like them back. 

Please stick to your old standbys: Papa Roach and Linkin Park.

Thanks,

Us.

The Bro: Urban Dictionary

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bro

some more bro definitions for those of you who still might be confused.

The Hype: The Bro, installment III

I’ve been thinking:

What happens to the Bro after the window of Bro-dem has passed? You can’t stay a Bro forever. Although, we all know that lonely Bro-Man, possibly still living at home or close enough to it so that mom can continue doing his laundry and mopping his floors…the guy who shows up at parties where he should be carded for his age in the opposite direction. These Bro-Men are out there, but are few and far between.

Let’s start at the beginning of the end for the Bro: early to mid thirties. This, unfortunately,ladies, is the earliest a Bro is either marriage or long-term relationship material. I know, I know, “but he’s sooooo cuuuuute, ” you say. Girls, he is not a puppy. 

So what happens to the Bro as he transitions into the Bro-Man? I’ve been thinking that two absolute things will transpire:

1. The Bro will most definitely check off Republican when it comes time to register to vote. Notice I say REGISTER to vote…in his thirties..because until now, for whatever reason, voting did not hold the same position on his priority list as beer pong.

2. The Bro-Man will morph into a form of yuppy…although, “yuppy” is an overused term, I can’t think of a more appropriate word as of yet. But the Bro-Man will definitely become concerned with making as much money as possible, having a trophy for a wife/bedmate, (these will actually be relationships…however shallow the foundations might be) and a huge plasma boob tube to get  up close and personal with Heidi Montag.

More on Bros raising kids, to come later.

Follow up to the Bro: Believe this Hype

Dear Ladies:

You know that guy in class or in that cubicle at work….the one with the laptop and possibly a spreadsheet, or a pocket protector..

The one who took Latin in college or Chinese or French…or anything BUT Spanish….

The guy who holds the door open for you on your way in and holds the elevator open for you to make it just in time….

The one who asks you if he can get you anything on his way to the cafeteria and doesn’t beep the horn for you when he comes to pick you up, and opens the car door for you to get in…..

That’s the guy. The Non Bro. You’re probably not ready for him, yet. Just keep your eyes peeled. One will pop up when you are.

The Bro: Don’t Believe the Hype

…this one is for you Ally…and everyone else with a vagina trying to find a decent man.

For those of you ladies who many have been hiding under a  rock during your dating years (good for you), I’d like to introduce you to a term we females use to describe our worst male neanderthal nightmare: The Bro. 

The Bro is a species of male that usually makes his debut in the late pubescent years. He shows signs of bro-ness early in his senior year and then develops at an alarming rate throughout college. There are so many more of them in ratio to women, that you cannot help but dating one or two before you either get married or enter the convent. 

Signs of the Bro: 

Baseball cap….usually scruffy and smelly, sometimes one of those visor hat thingys.

Sometimes an attempt to develop scruff…also smelly.

Shaggy hair..in an attempt to resemble a certain Grey’s Anatomy cast memeber…you guessed it….smelly

T shirt and Jeans….all the time

Sometimes flip flops..if not, then some kind of worn out almost hole-y sneaker that he will wear out to dinner with you right before he asks you to pay for the two of you

He loves to talk about himself. Unless he’s drunk. Then he’s chatting you up, with one hand in his pocket as he tries to get the other one in your pocket.

After he does get his hands in your pockets, don’t expect to ever hear from him again. Unless, again, he’s drunk and then he will proceed to blow up your cell like it’s the fourth of july.

That’s the Bro. I forgot to get into their horrendous taste in music, but that’s another blog entirely.

He also has either belonged to a frat or some other all male organization

The Bro is emotionally closed off. As soon as he starts to have a feeling, all you see is dust….that’s how fast he’s running away.

He’s also a meat-head. Not the sharpest tool in the box. But I have begun to suspect differently. I really do think the Bro is highly intelligent. He just dumbs it down in public. Get the Bro alone, and you actually might be impressed. But never get your hopes up about this tiny display of human-ness. The Bro still remains to be the missing link.

So let me just say a much overdue good bye and good luck to some bros in my life and in the lives of others I know and love who have done some serious damage to some absolutely wonderful women:

So long:

BM (ha….just like bowel movement), PC, ML, MG, BW,CM, RM, MD,MF,DS,CA

And to be fair. Let me say thank you to some (but few) of the men who passed through my life when I was too young and stupid to appreciate them…the Non-Bro, if you will:

Thanks for giving me the tips on what to look for in a real man:

Dad, Rob Piechota, Sean McGrath, Joe Barrett, and finally Rick Longstreet. 

The difference between the previous group of men and the latter: the last five were actually NICE to me. That means they are the lucky winners of a piece of my heart forever. Sorry Bros. You really missed out.

More Scientology…from Operation Clambake

THE BELIEFS AND TEACHINGS OF SCIENTOLOGY   “Scientology is here to rescue you.” - L. Ron Hubbard   “Scientology�s may be the most debilitating set of rituals of any cult in America.” - Flo Conway and Jim Siegelman, “Information Disease,” SCIENCE DIGEST, January 1982 ____________________   Scientology is comprised exclusively of the teachings of one man: L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard’s theories, assumptions, and techniques for practical applications that make up the rituals of Scientology, are sometimes called the “Spiritual Technology,” or simply “the Tech.”   Hubbard claimed to have discovered certain “natural laws” of the spiritual universe, which he claimed can be used to predict and control behavior and phenomena in a manner similar to the way in which the natural laws codified in the physical sciences can be used to predict and control phenomena in the physical world.   Scientology assumes that spirituality and thought (called “theta”) is an energy existing in its own universe, separate and distinct from the physical universe of Matter, Energy, Space and Time (MEST), and that spirit (theta) is senior to, and indeed created, the physical universe (MEST).   Each individual person (called a “thetan”) is considered to be a “thought unit” of the spiritual universe which interacts with the physical universe (MEST), usually by inhabiting a human body. The Scientology term “thetan” is what has commonly been known as the “spirit” and it is defined in Scientology as the source of life; in the individual, it is recognized as the core of personality or essence of oneself, quite distinct and separate from the physical body or the brain.   Scientology proposes that in its “native state” the spirit/thetan is immortal and god-like and possesses the potentiality of knowing everything, but that in present time its true capabilities have been lost and forgotten. As an immortal entity, the spirit/thetan lives on after body death and is born into a new physical body, again and again, lifetime after lifetime, in an endless cycle of birth and death. As a result of traumatic incidents extending back from the present life through a long series of “past lifetimes” hidden from conscious memory, the spirit/thetan has become trapped in the physical body and the physical/MEST universe.   Content of these traumatic incidents may influence a person’s current life, causing physical and mental illnesses, irrational thoughts and acting-out behavior, and limiting one’s creativity and other abilities. Scientology claims that these traumatic incidents, along with each spirit/thetan’s personal history, are recorded in complete detail on the “time track,” sometimes called the “whole track,” which for each person is many trillions of years in length. Scientology proposes that through a process called “auditing” that uses techniques developed by Hubbard (often assisted by a device called the E-Meter), an individual can be guided to find and “discharge” these hidden traumas, thus escaping the suffering and limitations imposed by the past.   Further, as one progresses through a series of auditing “levels,” one can eventually be restored to native state and can attain the status of  “operating thetan,” wherein one is free of attachments to the body and, even while “exterior” to (outside) the body, one can consciously control matter, energy, space, time, thought, and life. Hubbard’s writings and lectures include many tantalizing details of the god-like abilities that may be gained through auditing.   For most individual Scientologists, recovering these god-like abilities (and encouraging and assisting others to do so as well) is the primary goal of participation in Scientology. The “levels” through which a participant progresses make up what is called “The Bridge to Total Freedom.” Progress through all the levels of the “Bridge” often takes many years of dedicated study and practice, and the cost in fees for services for the Bridge is currently estimated at approximately $300,000 – $500,000 in US dollars.   According to examples given in Scientology, the content of “whole track” incidents can include (but is not limited to) attempted abortions and other fetal traumas, acts of torture and violence experienced both as victim and as perpetrator, encounters with the Marcab Confederacy and various Invader Forces from spacefaring Galactic civilizations, life on earth as a clam, “implants” of ideas and artificial purposes sometimes administered with a pain-drug-hypnosis combination, and other experiences that almost always include pain and/or confusion and/or unconsciousness.   While many of the traumatic incidents addressed in auditing are unique to the individual, some key incidents are thought to be common to all humans on planet earth. One very important such incident supposedly occurred some 75 million years ago. Scientology warns that until one has completed a series of preparatory steps, exposure to the details of this particular incident can cause severe illness or even death.* Thus, these details are carefully guarded and kept secret until, at the level called “Operating Thetan III” the member is deemed properly prepared and is granted permission to view and “audit” this information. ____________ * Details of this incident have been available for public view on the internet for several years and to date there have been no reported illnesses or deaths attributed to viewing this information. However, many scientologists still refuse to view these materials until they have completed all the preparatory steps. For the brave and curious, full details can be found at: http://tinyurl.com/2x55d

Don’t Believe the Hype: A really lame blog about Scientology

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scientology

Any monkey could have gone to wikipedia to read about scientology, but I remember a year or so ago, promising my blog readers some Scientology gossip…turns out, there is so much scribbled about this faux religion, that I had to start somewhere simple. 

Don’t worry. I’m still looking for some juicy tidbits about the topic that most of us don’t know about yet….something that has to do with aliens and living under the sea once you’ve reached a higher level of scientology-ism..or whatever they call it.

Don’t Believe the Hype: Professional Waxing

There’s a nifty product out there you can get at any cvs or rite aid or wal-mart…if you’re also in need of a gun or something.

It’s called Nads. They’re two wax strips stuck together that you heat up by rubbing  b/w your hands for a minute or so. Then you are free to wax away whatever you wish willy-nilly.

There’s really no need to spend the money on a “professional” wax anymore. Unless you’re into the Brazilian. But if you’re feeling adventurous and resourceful, you can always use the Nads and get your loved one to hold a steady mirror for you. Viola: Homemade Brazilian.

Don’t Believe the Hype II: Resolutions

Resolutions for the New Year are a waste of one’s valuable time…even the time it takes to come up with one. I’ve probably wasted hours of my life trying to figure out what my New Year’s Resolution should be every year and it always comes down to the same cop -out: be healthier in some way.

If I got any healthier I would disappear. If anything, my resolution should be to eat like shit and lay around as much as possible so as to gain some much needed extra weight.

Resolutions set people up for failure. Folks think that since this one special day only comes around once a year, that the promises they make to themselves will stick. I can’t believe that we’re still this gullible.

That would make the perfect resolution: This year I promise not to be so naive about everything…I promise not to believe the hype..if you will.

I won’t buy the newest contraption out there that promises to help me lose those extra five or thirty five (let’s be real for just a minute) pounds. Instead, I’ll bundle myself up, get out of the goddamn house, and use the arms and legs that I was born with to get into some kind of shape. 

 To continue: This year I won’t promise myself on January 1 that I will become a better version of myself in the coming year. I won’t wish to be more patient, more loving, more tolerant, more….perfect. Instead, I will take it one day at a time and do the best I can. And when I fail (because you and I both will) I will not abandon all my efforts up until that point and say “to hell with this”. Instead, I will just try again some more and maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll be a better me in about ten years or so instead of the unrealistic goal of polishing myself up within just one. And I won’t buy any self help books to help me out with this…(still sticking it to Oprah). I’ll use my own grey matter. But first, I will probably have to turn off the tv and stop playing with the wii for a bit.

Don’t be conned by “the man” into thinking you need something else besides yourself to become a better self within the next 365 days. (mom) There is no book out there, no class, no advice, that is going to work it’s magic for you in this new year.

 Stop yourself for just a minute and think: put down the ice cream…see, no nutritional advice from jenny or Weight Watchers needed. Call the Dr. and make that appointment instead of being lazy and Webmding yourself and never getting to the root of the problem.

This year, think for yourself everyday, do for yourself everyday, and don’t make any silly promises for just a day that you know you won’t be able to keep.

We’ll meet up in ten years for an evaluation. Good Luck.

Don’t Believe the Hype I: Oh, Oprah

How do I loathe, thee…let me count the ways.

I have to begin with the Book Club. Tsk Tsk.

I remember when her book club  made it’s debut. During the first few years, the books were merely sticker-ed with that oval Oprah emblem…the stickers could easily be torn off and then one wouldn’t feel like they were actually reading an Oprah book…contributing to the big O machine. It was all a huge case of denial on my part. But it worked.

Now the damn books are emblazoned with that demonic emblem straight from the press. So, naturally, I’m forced to scribble over it until the cover of my newly purchased book looks like a college bookstore hand me down. I’m fine with this. What I’m not fine with is Oprah Oprahfying all the shit I want to read. It was a great book before she got her sticky little fingers on it…it’s not like it never existed before she stamped her name on the cover.

I hate that decent authors are basically coerced into this cult. I mean…Faulkner,and Marquez for chrissakes. Of course, Faulkner is dead. But his people are obviously making horrendous decisions where his life’s art is concerned…selling out all over the place.

And what about the author who just wants to put out there the best thing that he or she was ever able to accomplish and doesn’t want it to become part of the pop culture machine? And then the phone rings and it’s Oprah. Well, maybe not Oprah…just one of her minions. Does the author turn down her offer? If  they do, their career is pretty much over if not considerably detoured. Not to mention that Oprah would definitely make it publicly known that so and so thinks they are too good for her club.

What is one to do in this situation? Give the big O the big Up Yours.

Numerous things are going on here that are disturbing to me about this stupid book club. It boils down to authors jumping on the Oprah band wagon all the way to the bank, getting on her show just so they can go on and on about themselves, and that goddamn Book Club emblem that’s on every book I want to read!

Jesus Christ, where’s Mark twain when you need him?